Top 10 Scientific jokes

imagesThe Guardian asked a group of scientists to submit their favourite jokes, and yes, there were a few rather lame ones in the mix, but worry not, because I’ve distilled the brew down to the top 10 best, so here they are … (and each is followed by the name of the learned individual who submitted it) …

1) Two theoretical physicists are lost at the top of a mountain. Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says: “Hey, I’ve figured it out. I know where we are.”
“Where are we then?”
“Do you see that mountain over there?”
“Well… THAT’S where we are.”

From – Jeff Forshaw, professor of physics and astronomy, University of Manchester

2) Why did Erwin Schrödinger, Paul Dirac and Wolfgang Pauli work in very small garages?

Because they were quantum mechanics.

From – Lloyd Peck, professor, British Antarctic Survey

3) What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexia Association.

– Peter Lovatt, lecturer in psychology of dance, University of Hertfordshire

4) A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others’ copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made.

Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says “the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!”

– Mark Pagel, professor of biological sciences, University of Reading

5) They have just found the gene for shyness.

They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.

– Stuart Peirson, senior research scientist, Nuffield Laboratory of Ophthalmology

6) What does the ‘B’ in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?

Benoit B Mandelbrot.

– Adam Rutherford, science writer and broadcaster

7) Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the other… eh? Hang on…

– David Colquhoun, professor of pharmacology, University College London

8) A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.”

The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.”

The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.”

The patient says: “What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.”

– Richard Wiseman, professor of public understanding of psychology, University of Hertfordshire

9) The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai. “Go forth and multiply!” he told the animals, and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants. Then he heard something he didn’t recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal’s offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw. “What on earth are you doing?” he cried. “You’re destroying the trees!” “Well Noah,” the snakes replied, “we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we’re adders… so we have to use logs.”

– Alan Turnbull, National Physical Laboratory

10) Psychiatrist to patient: “Don’t worry. You’re not deluded. You only think you are.”

– Uta Frith, professor in cognitive neuroscience, University College London

images-2So there you go then.

Nope, not being too serious today once again … but then as I’m writing this, I am sitting here in a bar in Dublin listening to live Irish Music with a glass of an amber fluid that requires further “investigation” close by … so perhaps it is wise of me to not try anything too serious right now.

As a side note, I have my 13 year old daughter with me as well, and no she is not the youngest here … and gasp! … nobody is freaking out about it, it is a normal part of the culture here.


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